Snow Heightens the Imagination

I stopped mid-step, awed by the beauty. Today as I was exploring the walking path near my new apartment, I found myself staring at the scene, examining each part, and wondering what about it captured my heart. It’s not that it was extraordinarily beautiful, or truly much to wonder over, but I couldn’t help but stare. I’m not sure what it is that captures my hearts sometimes, but I wanted to listen- to be drawn into its beauty. Perhaps it had something to teach me, or there was a part of my heart that longed for something it offered. I imagined myself, quietly standing at the base of the tree, enjoying the peaceful scene and my family inside the nearby house running around, laughing and just living life. I imagined how different my life would be with a family to raise and nurture. I’m sure they are all idyllic thoughts, without much foundation, but it sure was a lovely moment with my imagination.

Kum Bay Ya

As I continued my reading in Matthew today, I was making note of how Jesus seemed to be “withdrawing” more frequently, or taking time to be alone. I wondered what might have been going through his mind, and thinking about how I need time to myself as well to think and process and pray. Perhaps I am more focused on that topic as today is my “Sabbath”. Anyway, when I got to chapter 17:9-13, Jesus is explaining to his disciples that John the Baptist was the coming of Elijah. At first glance this didn’t really rock my world, but then I realized this was the fulfillment of prophecy, indicating that Jesus’ crucifixion was near at hand. I found myself suddenly not wanting to read anymore. I was struck with the reality that this God-man that I have been identifying with these last sixteen chapters is going to die a cruel and horrific death. He has been leading and teaching these men, who sometimes get it and most of the time don’t. He has been traveling with no real place to call home and some people were incredibly grateful, but many wanted nothing to do with him. He had been giving everything of himself to follow the will of His father, and soon, he will be giving his life- literally. Even though I know what happens at the end, and that he is victorious, I want to share in the pain of what his “today” must have felt like. Each day, each healing, each lesson with the disciples- knowing that THE day of his crucifixion was drawing closer. It’s hard to know how he felt being 100% God and 100% man, but even the night before he prayed that “this cup might be removed from him”…so, it would be fair to assume that he did not want to die. I want to sit with him by the fire, put my arm around him and say, “I’m going to miss you. I know you have to do what you have to do, but I wish you didn’t have to die.” Just for tonight, I want to shed a few tears and share in that pain with him.

And the hits keep on coming...

I have been loving my journaling Bible! Each day as I read, I write random things I observe or things that come to mind in the lined margins. It's been a great tool that helps me engage a little bit more and is fun to see themes throughout my readings. Today as I was reading Matthew 8-9, I found myself emotionally entangled with the events Jesus was facing. The first 18 verses are people who come to Him for healing, and he does so IMMEDIATELY. The next grouping of verses are some disciples who ask if He could give them a little time to take care of family business, and He says, "No, follow me." Then the next section is the disciples heading across the sea and He calms the storm. The disciples response is "What kind of MAN is this?" Once they cross the sea, He casts some demons into pigs, the townspeople get all worked up about it and BEG Him to leave their region! Whew! That's quite a couple of days!

Jesus had compassion on people and was touched by their faith. I imagine these quiet, deeply personal moments with them as He heals them or their loved ones and they are immensely grateful. He then steps out into the city where He is judged by the Pharisees and other people are constantly talking about His ministry. Then on top of it, some of the very people that He has healed, ignore His request to be quiet and they share their experiences with Jesus across the region.

The last couple of months have been quite emotional for me. There have been a lot of events where I have been concerned that people had misunderstood my motives and that my reputation was questioned by people around me. I don't know if you're anything like me, but when I start feeling like there is whisperings going on about me- I want to stop it and put an end to the rumors...whatever they might be. These chapters were such a good reminder for me. Whatever we face in our lives, Jesus has faced them before (and probably to a much greater degree). He was deeply loved by people, but He was also deeply despised. People questioned His motives and His authority all the time, even in His own hometown. He was rejected by many and even had people BEG Him to leave their region. How disheartening that must have felt.

There are so many times where I feel alone. Alone in ministry or in singleness or life in general, and it is such a wonderful reminder that my Savior and Lord has walked that path before me, and I am truly never alone.